So without further ado, here are the 5 things you should not do in the parking lot of your child’s school:
Do not leave your car parked unattended and boxing in 3 other cars. There are other spaces in the lot. Use them and walk a bit if you have to. The exercise and fresh air is good for your circulation. In the meantime, I will wait for 25 minutes in my car, with my empty Diet Coke, and three tired children, while you, inconsiderate picker-upper, do your business. I hope for your sake no one needs to go potty, or pukes. That would be really bad for you.
Do not flaunt your new subwoofer. We are mostly SAHM’s. We are not impressed by such technology. We are all calculating how many packs of diapers and pairs of shoes we could have bought with the money you paid for that silly speaker. The boom boom boom hurts our ears and rattles our bones...and not in a good way. We are old, have mercy on us.
Do not back into your parking space and take up two spots. Your shiny, European, two-door convertible is really pretty, and I am sure very expensive, but here are the facts: You have a car seat that is covered with graham cracker crumbs, and your windows are smeared with dirty kid fingerprints, just like the rest of us gals. Get over yourself and park normally like the mini vans. And by the way, that sippy cup is leaking milk all over your Coach leather backseat. Good luck getting the stench out.
Do not wear your hair in side braids when picking up the carpool. Seriously? You are not fooling anyone. You are not going to be mistaken for one of the 8th graders. We all know you are 40. Embrace your age, woman. And you should stop speaking to the person who told you it looks cute. Friends don't let friends look stupid!
Do not be huffy with the person engaged in the four above activities. Chances are they are your child’s room mother, or even worse, the PTA president. Your frustration will be noted and discussed all weekend in emails, telephone conversations and on the sideline of the Saturday soccer game. Keep your cool. Your kid’s future, and your reputation, depend upon it.